Just warning you now...this post is not very whimsical...but it is honest.
Do you ever wonder what the heck is going on with your life? That's me in a nutshell right now. I am seriously confused. Last night I got into a huge argument with Mr. Virgo (that's my husband for those of you who might not be familiar with his nick name). Actually we have been arguing a lot (and mostly about stupid stuff). And sometimes I don't even want to be in the same room with him. So last night...Mr. Virgo tells me that we should go on vacation over the holidays...which is fine...but. He wants to be away on Christmas, like in a hotel somewhere. Huh!? And I suppose a Christmas tree, presents and Santa are going to magically appear in our hotel room? Really!? We fought hard about this for a good 2 hours. Grrrrrrrr. He did not win. I put my foot down on that. Nothing sounds more awful than waking up Christmas morning in a hotel room. And the kids? Yeah, enough said on that...
But back to my life for a moment. How did I get to this place? I feel completely empty and depleted. I can't seem to figure out my purpose here. I have felt this way on and off for almost a year now. And this is really bothering me. I feel like I have given up somehow. I look at myself in the mirror and think..."who is this person?" Some days just stretch on and on without meaning. I go to bed exhausted from doing nothing. I feel like a hamster spinning on a wheel. Get up, make breakfast and lunches for the kids, walk the dogs, clean up, laundry, blog, clean some more, take some photos, get kids from school, help with homework, make dinner, clean up again, blog some more, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I wish I could say I am that girl that has it together. But I am not. I struggle often. My ego gets the best of me. And I don't always live in the moment. I just can't convince myself to reach out and find happiness today. I am desperately trying to find the light. But, I'm sad. Plain and simple. And that's OK...
I just did a self-portrait that expresses my mood...see it here.
24 comments:
I'm so sorry you're feelingthis way, Caroline. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you feel better. For what it's worth, I think you're an awesome, amazing person. You're so full of love and light, and you truly are a blessing to the whole world. On a personal level, I am always thankful that I met you, and so glad to be able to call you my friend.
Thank you Jay! You are awesome my friend. Sometimes we all get into this funk... Your words are so kind and much appreciated right now...
When I arrived here and gazed upon yet another distinctive, amazing offering from you and then read the accompanying words, I was surprised. But isn't it always the most creatively gifted people that sometimes suffer this way?
I want to tell you that what you're going through is probably very normal. But I'm also going to tell you to see your doctor, tell her (or him) what is going on in your life and have them order up some bloodwork.
I only say this because earlier this year I was feeling very much like you described. I thought it was stress-induced due to our situation and it turned out to be a thyroid condition. Now when I begin to feel this hopelessness coming on, I remind my doctor that it's time for more bloodwork (should be every two months) and it's always been because I need more Synthroid.
Whatever it is, please know that your photography and this blog is one of the biggest inspirations for me. I tell myself that someday I am going to be this good.
And I'm not just whistling dixie here. It's true.
If you can't be honest on your own blog, where can you be? Sometimes talking to a counsellor can help in getting out of rut or when feeling blue. I know it has worked wonders for me when life is not what I want it to be! Please don't just struggle along all on your own, dear Caroline!
Caroline -- Do you think this might be related to completing your photography book? Sometimes when you've put your heart and soul into something and completed it (which you should be very proud of),there's a slowing down time.
I call this a time to be fallow (like a field; it's a time when your creative self needs to recharge. And it's perfectly okay, as you are:~)
Creative people, like yourself, often find this time difficult. You're used to moving forward, being active and knowing you next step.
My wish is that you allow yourself this fallow time. It's getting you ready for something even better:~)
Thanks for the supportive comments. This time of year is tough for me...expectations of the holidays, pressures with family and the change of season. It's important for me to write this because I am being honest with myself. Maybe someone else has felt this way... I don't know, it just feels good to release this. I think working through sadness is powerful and makes me appreciate happiness so much more.
All the commenters offer great advice. I have no words of wisdom to offer. I wish I did.
I hope your days get brighter though.
Sometimes I think the most "tapped in" also feel the most depleted at times. I think your purpose is to be exactly who you are at any given moment. The ebullient Caroline, the sad Caroline... all of them. What you "do" is bleed Divine light all over the world, through your vision and your words and your genuine nature. But that can leave you feeling empty at times. I've most definitely felt that way myself. Ask for guidance when you feel this way. Ask for help. It's okay to accept the assistance of others, you who assist so freely yourself.
Caroline,
I am kind of new here, but I can totally relate to this post! I find myself in the same boring, thankless cycle of chores. Often feeling uninspired, unmotivated and guilty for my lack of gratitude.
I'm sorry you've been feeling like this!
I also have no useful advice, but wanted to let you know you are not alone and I will continue to come and admire your work, leave encouragement and hope you are felling much better soon.
Sweetheart, we all go through it. The ups, downs, the dark. It's so normal. Such that time of year.
I send you love and light.
xo
p.s. your self-portrait is beautiful. :)
I've been living this way for so long I forgot someone might understand. The endless hours. The repetition. The chores. It's like living the same day over. and over. and over.
We returned from Mexico just a few days ago after fighting throughout much of the vacation. I want to bury my wedding band in the backyard, if that tells you anything.
When you find a cure, do share. Until then, keep treading water. It's the only answer I have.
Dearest Caroline,
I am so glad you shared this here (and at my blog too). You have received wonderful supportive answers here. I'm not sure I have anything unique to offer except to say ditto. Get a physical, because there is so much that can shift in a woman's body going into mid-life. If nothing shows up, know that it's alright to be in transition.
(And I concur with one comment here: this could be a "let down" effect from your book launch, which took tons of energy. After mine was finally at the publisher, I had a mini-collapse. Absolute exhaustion for a month...It happens. We push. Then we need to rest.)
One of the fallacies about the spiritual journey is that it's all up from here. Not true. The most difficult times of "not knowing," of falling apart, of loss or feeling lost can be the launching off place for remarkable growth. This may be where you are...Desert, fallow, whatever you want to call it. It's normal.
Either way, gentleness to self is key. That is truly the only way. To breathe, to take just one step, then another. The way will be revealed. (I am glad that you are now reading my book. It might just help and be one of those acts of Holy Synchronicity. I'd like to think so. And you know, I am only a phone call away. Seriously.) xo
So honest, embracing exactly what you're feeling and where you are right now in this moment. No mask, no tra-la-la happy talk. Sad. We all need to acknowledge our true and honest feelings and sadness is a true and honest feeling. It sometimes feels selfish that I'm single and therefore never have to compromise with anyone else or never have an argument. Gotta be tough not always being able to do what you want to do.
Good thoughts about getting a physical. Years ago, I was pretty emotional and wacky; found I had Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I also feel that 5-HTP is a wonderful natural supplement that helps balance things out, keeps me happier, reduces pain, helps me sleep.
Usually sadness is fleeting, so since you've been feeling like this for many months, perhaps there is a physical component here as well.
Hugging you!
As you know, I just posted about my feelings of emptiness and uneasiness. It's tough to make sense of these feelings some days. Please know, Caroline, that your spirit is amazing and your heart is so open. I hope that tomorrow is a brighter day. Your creativity is a wonderful place for you to explore all sides of you. Your talent is very evident. Hugs!!
:-( I'm glad you ended on 'And it's OK'...I don't think there's anyone in the world for whom this isn't true at times...and often these dark periods are the precursors to a breakthrough, in relationships and/or every other phase of life...you have been doing such amazing photos and writing here, it is hard for me not to believe that this period is fermenting something new in that way for you...
Through the pain and horror of my own healing I find a place where I can relate to your own trials. I have some medical "words of wisdom" I could give but they might become jumbled up with everyone elses; I have found you have to seek that knowledge for yourself. All I can truly say is: yes! all that you are matters and... Nosce te ipsum :) Take good care :)
You don't need to figure out your purpose right now. You can stop spinning your wheels and worrying about the days having meaning, and let yourself be nothing and nobody and be OK with that. There is really no need to struggle. Your journey has barely begun, and even though you can only see what is right in front of you, that's enough. You could be driving in heavy fog, only able to see 20 feet ahead, and make the whole trip that way.
Nobody "has it together." Nobody.
http://stonespirit-izzy.blogspot.com/2009/11/cyber-hugs.html
Caroline I am always amazed and awed by your beautiful photography. Both of these pictures...the self portrait and the one on this post touch me deeply. You have a wonderful talent.
And thank you again for your honesty and courage to speak up here. I too, would also encourage you to see your doctor. Last year I found myself feeling beyond weary, unable to make a decision and not caring if I closed my eyes and just slipped away, and was very, very surprised to learn that I was experiencing depression. I couldn't believe it...me, who had always been "Miss Positive" had fallen into a dark pit of seemingly unending grey! It came on so gradually that I didn't recognize it for what it was.
This may not be your situation but it's worth getting checked out just in case. Blessings and huge hugs to you Caroline.
Caroline, I'm pretty new here and want to say how I love your blog. I relate to so much! I was thinking about what you are going through and have for the past year. You and I are the same age, and again, I can definitely relate to this. My mom reminded me of something the other day, that we are about to reach 40, and that is time in a womans life when so much changes on every level. Sometimes we need to loose ourselves, get lost, in order to find ourselves, if that makes sense? When some things no longer work for us, it's time to release that, and search for what does work, what nourishes us spiritually, emotionally etc...and if we are not realising what is happening it can become a struggle, it seems everyday is a grind, a repeat and we run "dry" with nothing giving back to us (because don't us women tend to always give, give and give?)
Caroline, maybe what you are going through is pushing you to find whatever it is that you need to find? either within yourself or outside....There comes a time when you have had enough, and you will make that change that is needed.
Ask yourself, what is it that Caroline wants to do? what is Caroline passionate about? then pursue it. We NEED to give to ourselves, nourish ourselves....it's something we neglect all to often. I am one of them and it's time I am making changes too. Wishing you peace of heart and mind...
Hi Caroline,
after reading your words...it's like we are on the same wave sometimes. Not that I'm on this on right now but know what you mean. Stay strong, better days will arrive.
For what it's worth, I think we all go through these types of periods in our lives and, in some ways, I believe they act as important periods to our inner growth even though it feels like we are in a rut.
Sometimes, I can get really down and feel like I'm being taken for granted...it effects my creativity, my moods, my energy levels...pretty much everything. One thing I have learned is that these periods do pass. Hang in there, hon...(((Hugs)))
Hi Caroline,
I've used the very same words before... that I'm on a hamster wheel running around and getting nowhere. For me, it was trying to decide whether or not to go back to graduate school.... Every few years, I tell my sisters that I'm back on the hamster wheel trying to figure things out.
I think you're blessed to be able to take your children to school, cook supper, and be with them in the evenings. I think you're blessed to be able to enjoy your passion for photography during the day. I am gone 10-12 hours a day and still have work to do when I get home!
I hate to sound whiny myself, but I would enjoy the quiet of your days so much! But I guess that's life. The grass is always greener somewhere else.
Now, if you really want to make a difference in someone's life, can I Fed-Ex you a few (say 20 or 30 or 40) essays to grade? (just kidding, but the thought of sharing my fun with you brings a smile to my face!)
Love your life! You only have it once.
Hugs,
Roban
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